I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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