does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
