we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
