If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
