i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize