I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
