I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I checked into jail on foursquare
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
