please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
