9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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