Is it because I queefed?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
