If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
