I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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