Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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