just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
