Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
