Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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