You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
