Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
