I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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