...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
