I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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