I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
