i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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