What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
