I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
