That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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