mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
