at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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