What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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