Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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