I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
