I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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