I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
