it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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