do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
