apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
