even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
