I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
