EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
