he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
this boner is exhausting
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
