I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
