mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
