Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
