I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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