Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
