I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We left the knife in your bed.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
