then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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