sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
