I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
