I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
