There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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