the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
