dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
