I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
