I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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