Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
