i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
