I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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