When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think I just shit out all my problems.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
