My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
