The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
