I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
