Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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