I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i need some magic done to my vagina
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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