i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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