I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
