So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Man, jail baloney is awful.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
