dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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