Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize